Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

I am at two with nature.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.