This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
If studidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
I bet you if I had met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Politics is applesauce.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
Spinnin' a rope is fun if your neck ain't in it.
Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythicals beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
For the American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.