Waiter Rant

We want God to come and save us. But he won’t. God doesn’t stop levees from failing, he doesn’t stay the force of tsunamis, and he doesn’t stop planes from smashing into buildings. Deus Ex Machina is overrated.

The inability to secure a reservation drives yuppies absolutely crazy.

Cocooned inside our private dramas we often don’t realize life is rolling by us like it should.

Sometimes people are on the outside looking in because they don’t have any money. But sometimes people are on the outside looking in because they don’t have any class.

Angels dancing on the head of a pin dissolve into nothingness at the bedside of a dying child.

Dating's like going on a job interview. You don't know if you'll get the job, but if you do, you get to see the interviewee naked.

Character is forged in the smallest of struggles. Then, when the big challenges come, we’re ready.

But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.

I once read cooking is something you do for your family. But when you’re alone you sometimes have to treat yourself like family. And now that my apartment’s redolent with the smell of food it feels more like a home than a box where I hang my hat.

My mom grew up in Spanish Harlem and the Bronx and gave me an invaluable piece of advice for dealing with people in New York - if someone’s bugging you just act crazy. I’ve modified her approach somewhat. Public displays of religiosity work just as well as feigning psychosis.