W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
Never give a sucker an even break.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
It's easy to quit drinking. I 've done it a thousand times.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.