Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'