Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
It's an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.