Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows--marriage does.