The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Keep thy religion to thyself.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
It's never just a game when you're winning.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Its never just a game when you're winning.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?