Fran Lebowitz

My favorite animal is steak.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Nothing succeeds like address.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.