Evan Esar

Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

A signature always reveals a man's character- and sometimes even his name.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.